Your Ex’s Parenting Is Not Your Business

I know that might sting a little. Or a lot. But it’s the truth. And I want to say it in the most loving way I can.

If you’re divorced and co-parenting with your ex, I want you to really let this land. The way they parent is not your business anymore.

Short of your child being abused or neglected, what happens at their house is not for you to manage. It’s not for you to police. It’s not even for you to fully understand. You are no longer a couple. The bond between you has shifted. And with that shift, comes a hard but necessary truth. You are now two people, raising your children through two very different lenses.

They are doing the best they can. And so are you.

But is your way the right way? And how do you know?

If you’ve ever read any of Byron Katie’s work, she teaches us to pause and ask, “Is it true?” Not just, do I think it’s true. But can I absolutely know that it’s true?

So ask yourself, how do you know your way is best? I’m not saying you don’t love your children. I know you do. But maybe, just maybe, there’s room for curiosity. Maybe there’s room to soften.

Because what happens at their other parent’s house… it’s not your business.

I know. He keeps them out too late. They come back after midnight. She introduces them to people you’ve never even heard of. He gives them soda and candy right before bed. She lets them skip brushing their teeth. He’s dating again. She’s got a new man around them already. He lets them watch too much TV. She lets them sleep in the clothes they wore all day.

Sound familiar?

It’s easy to get swept up in what doesn’t feel right. I get it. I’ve been divorced for eight years, and there are still things I wish I could control. But here’s what I’ve learned. We never really had the control. We just had the illusion of it.

The tighter you try to hold on, the more it hurts. The more you try to control what’s outside your control, the more you suffer.

Let me say it again. Your ex’s experience and choices in their home are not your business.

What if, instead of obsessing over what they’re doing, you brought your focus back home? What if your home became the sanctuary you want it to be? What if the energy in your space was loving, grounded, safe, and steady?

I know this brings up big feelings. I’ve seen it in the women I coach. I’ve felt it myself. You might be thinking, “Yeah, but how are we supposed to co-parent if we don’t share the same values?” And I hear you. Some things do need to be addressed. Things like safety. Morals. Expectations around school. Big, foundational things.

But the bedtime? The food they eat? The shows they watch? The friends they hang out with? The house rules for the weekend?

That’s no longer your vote to cast.

I can already feel the heat rising in you. I know. Because I’ve been there too. I’ve written those long texts. The ones where you explain and justify and plead and argue. The ones that start with, “I’m just trying to do what’s best for the kids,” and end with frustration and zero resolution.

If you’re writing paragraphs to your ex trying to convince them why they should change something, it’s a sign. A sign that you’re trying to control something you no longer have a say in.

So here’s your permission slip to stop. To stop the debate. To stop justifying your way of parenting. To stop wasting precious energy on someone else’s choices.

Your power is in your home. In your tone. In your values. In your consistency. In your healing.

Let them parent the way they parent. And you parent the way you believe is best.

Because when you focus on creating peace in your home, your kids will feel it. And that is something you do get to control.

– Molly Rubesh