We’re Not Behind. We’re Just Not Prepared.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we build our lives. Not just the jobs and the houses and the morning routines, but the actual structure underneath it all. The choices we make early on that shape everything else.

And I’ve come to this truth: in an effort to create something really beautiful, we sometimes unintentionally create a mess. And marriage? It’s one of the biggest mess-makers when it’s done too soon and without preparation.

I stand by that. Fully. Because I lived it.

And so have so many people I’ve coached, listened to, cried with, and walked alongside. Marriage has started to feel like a step. You grow up, go to school, maybe college, maybe a job, and then the question starts to float around: so, who are you going to marry? And when you don’t have an answer, it starts to feel like you’re failing. Or that you’re behind.

But no one stops to ask the real question. Are you choosing them? Or are you just relieved that someone chose you?

Over the years, I’ve coached a lot of women through divorce. And there’s this common thread that shows up in so many of their stories. They knew. Deep down, they knew they had picked someone who wasn’t quite right for them. Someone who didn’t meet them where they dreamed of going. But it felt safe. And sometimes, safe feels better than nothing. Especially when you already feel behind.

Think about the last time you reached for something big. A job. A degree. A version of yourself that felt a little bit out of reach. And then that voice shows up. The one that says, what if you can’t do it? What if it doesn’t work out?

So you play it safe. You pick the option that feels more manageable. I’ve been wondering lately if imposter syndrome doesn’t just show up in our careers or classrooms. Maybe it’s there in our dating too. Maybe it whispers, you’re too much. Or not enough. Maybe it tells us to shrink our standards, to choose someone who feels familiar, who won’t challenge us to grow too much.

Because what if we hold out for something bigger, and end up alone?

I remember being 18 and already feeling behind. By the time I graduated at 22, some of my friends were already married. Not engaged. Married. And here I was, trying to land a job, get an apartment, figure out my life. And no one had chosen me.

I remember crying to my mom one day and saying, “I don’t know if I’ll ever get married.” And I meant it. I really believed that maybe I wasn’t the kind of girl someone chooses.

Because I had always been the backup. The filler. The one you call when your real girlfriend is gone or things are quiet or you’re lonely. So when someone finally said, “I choose you,” I let myself believe it was real. I let those feelings get big. Really big.

And I see it in my teenagers now. They talk about marriage like it’s just around the corner. They’ve been dating a year, so naturally, they’re talking about dogs and houses and kids. And they haven’t even had to pay a phone bill yet.

And I get it. Love feels good. It’s literally chemical. There’s science behind those feelings. Our brains shift. We see everything through a softer lens. And in a way, I love that. I love love. Love is beautiful.

But love also needs to be honest. It needs to live in the real world.

The poem says love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast. But the truth is, love sometimes does all of those things. Because love is human. And we are human. The intention of love is patience and kindness. But a real relationship also includes conflict and hard days and disappointment. It’s two humans walking through the storm together.

Sometimes that storm looks like job loss. Sometimes it’s grief, or illness, or self-doubt. Sometimes it’s parenting struggles, or old wounds, or mental health, or addiction. And then you throw in kids, money stress, and the beliefs we were raised with, and it gets really complicated.

But here’s the thing. Life doesn’t have to be that hard. It’s always going to bring challenges. No course or podcast or checklist will change that. But being prepared makes all the difference when those moments come.

I always wonder why so many people wait for a crisis before they get help. Why wait until you’re desperate to seek therapy? Why wait until your marriage is cracked wide open before learning how to repair it?

What if we just prepared from the start?

Would you go camping without a tent? Would you wander into the woods without a flashlight, food, or rain gear? Of course not. You’d prepare. You’d pack. You’d make a plan. Because you know weather can change quickly.

But with marriage, we just hope for the best. We sign the biggest contract of our lives with barely any preparation.

This is not about preparing for failure. This is about building a strong start. Preparing because you’re in love. Because you’re happy now, and you want to protect that. It’s about doing the work while your hearts are still soft and open.

Because you know what’s hard? Trying to have a calm, helpful conversation with someone you deeply resent. It almost never works. Once resentment builds, it becomes a wall. And walls are hard to tear down.

But if you build from the beginning, much like a house, you can avoid that. If you know what kind of house you want, and you lay the foundation right, and you build the structure with intention, you don’t have to look back and wish you’d done it differently.

So that’s my hope for you. That you stop waiting for the storm. And instead, build the shelter now.

Because you are not behind. You are not too late. But you do deserve to be prepared.

And your future deserves a strong start.

– Molly Rubesh